.:Beautiful Heartbreak:.

Writing has always been a way for me to let out all of the emotions that can build up so tight in my heart. I have always felt this peace come when I am able to let my heart say what it needs to say and to be free to feel the way I feel without fear of judgment or without the fear of not being able to put words to the feelings I am experiencing. So today I am needing to let my heart do the talking and pray that this will continue to be a healing experience for me..

Many of you don't know that Scott and I were expecting a baby in July. We have both been praying about this decision for months and I have yearned to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I vividly remember the day we got married, I had the thought that we needed to start our family soon and since that day I have had that thought many times and have looked forward to the day that I would get the news that I was pregnant... it came on Monday October 21,2013. After having what I thought were normal period cramps, i woke up feeling like I may not be able to make it through the work day because they were pretty intense. I asked Scott to say a prayer for me that I would be able to work and make it through the day. As soon as he said amen the thought came to me. "take a pregnancy test." So I did and boy were we surprised! I just broke down crying because I was so happy! FINALLY it was my turn! 

Fast forward three weeks later to yesterday.. at work when I saw all that blood I knew we were losing this baby. My heart broke as the joys and potential of this little one slipped through my fingers. I begged Heavenly Father to just let us have this baby. Please let this baby live! As I was rushing home to be with Scott I was listening to church music trying to calm down and I had a voice say to me "you are going to lose this baby, but everything will be ok." For a moment I had peace in the hurricane force sorrow that had hit me just moments earlier... did it make it any easier that I was losing this baby? No.Did it take away the intense sorrow and sadness? No. But it did give me the knowledge that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that this is part of his plan. I don't know why I am experiencing this right now, but I do know that he is giving me a beautiful gift. His loving arms wrapped tightly around me and His peace in knowing that one day I will be a mommy. Just not today. 

I have had several moments where I feel so overwhelmed with love and concern from those of you that know and are praying for me.. I feel the prayers so strongly and I need them so desperately. So thank you. This is the hardest thing we have had to experience but I am so grateful to have such a loving husband that is so full of hope and faith in the future. I am so grateful for the gospel and the plan of salvation. I am so grateful for the Atonement that can make all things right. I am so grateful for the scriptures. I have had so many wonderful, sacred, experiences of reading and seeing God's tender mercies. I recently read this and it hit my heart “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” 3 Nephi 12:4. I am so blessed with comfort. It is through sorrow that we come to know joy and I look forward to the day that I will be able to hold my baby in my arms and finally be a  mommy.

I have always loved this song but today this is especially what I needed to hear.

Progress

Progress..Be it small... is still progress! I am getting healthier one day at a time.. One step at a time.. I am moving toward my goal.. It's been a challenge to stay motivated since my leg injury but I am feeling a lot better than last week and that's all I can focus on.

Today I went to the gym and ran laps on the jogging track at my school.. it was slightly depressing that I couldn't even run a full mile... but I guess it just means that I have some work to do. I have decided that instead of feeling discouraged like I usually do, I am going to let this motivate me.

 I am no longer the girl that just sits here talking about how I want my life to be different. I want to be skinny and healthy.. blah blah blah.. I am finally the girl that is getting off her butt and DOING SOMETHING about it! And that is something to be proud of!


I took my before pictures last week and I have decided that I am not going to post them just yet. Let's be honest.. who really wants to see that anyway?!! And I don't really want them on the internet.. everyone can see that!! UH NOT THANKS! So for now I am going to keep those private and maybe at a later day I will post my progress pictures..

Here is an awesome website that I found on pinterest that has some really awesome 10 minute workouts!! How you enjoy!


Oh, I almost forgot!! I am down 5.5 inches!!

.: My Wedding Day:.

I have wanted to post about this for the past oh... 3 months! Lol well.. better late than never right?

 

My wedding day!!

 

10.11.12

I woke to the most beautiful sunny fall day! My mom and sister stayed over and were there helping me get ready. I was having such a fun time listening to music and doing my makeup... until it came to doing my hair.. I wanted to look perfect for Scott. I just started crying because my hair wouldn't go the way that I wanted it to and I was starting to feel the stress. But then my darling showed up and saved the day with one look! He melts my heart! And he lookes so handsome in his tux!

 

 

We got to the temple and they "checked us in" and then my mom and I went to the Brides room of the Salt Lake Temple. It was so beautiful and there were so many other brides there but I still felt like I was special. Like I was the only one! They lady that was helping me was so nice and she helped calm my nerves.

 

 

A funny little side note: well it's funny now looking back on it but it wasn't so funny then... I had asked my mom to hold Scott's ring before we even left my apartment.. we I had this thought in the Bride's Room that I should make sure that my mom still had the ring. I looked at my mom abruptly and asked her where Scott's ring was.. She looked at here hand and it was GONE! I felt so bad becuase I almost had a breakdown right there.. My mom rushed off and searched for it while the cute little temple worker took me to meet scott in the Celestial Room of the temple.

 

 

While sitting in the Celestial Room with Scott, I felt such peace. I knew that no matter what happened that everything was going to be okay because I was marrying my best friend! While we sat there hand in hand talking about our future and about how excited we were, I couldn't help but feel like we were as close to Heaven as we could get. 

 

We got called to go into the Sealing room and when we got to the door and saw our fanily and friends there, the spirit hit both of us so strongly. I still get choked up to think about it! One of the things that was so special to me was that my older brother, Seth, was able to be there! What a wonderful joy to see him make such wonderful changes in his life! I only wish that my whole family could have been in that room! I don't remember most of what the Sealer said but I remember the spirit being so strong. I remember when he said those special, sacred words, I felt so much love for Scott. I didn't know that I could love someone SO much!! As we looked in the mirrors I had so many sacred impressions go through my mind but the biggest one was that this is eternal!! Scott is now my forever!

After we were sealed we went and got changed. I put on my wedding dress and I felt so beautiful! One of my favorite memories of that day was the look that Scott gave me when he saw me in my wedding dress for the first time! I wish that I had a camera to capture that look!

After the sealing we took a lot of pictures and our photographer captured my day! I am so grateful to Suzie Bishop for doing such a wonderful job!

Here are some of my favorites.. well they are all my favorites.. but here ya go! Enjoy!

 

 My wonderful new parents! I couldn't have asked for better! I love the Johnson's so much!

 

 

 

The Johnson Family!

 

 

 

My wonderful parents

 

My family

 



 

My siblings.. minus my little brother

 

 

 

My big little brother

 

 

Scott's Siblings

 

 

 

 

Wahoo!!

 

 

 Two of my mission companions!

Maggie Shumway and Jillian Wood

 

 

My gorgeous ring and flowers!

 

 

 

I love the colors of this photo!!

 

 

 

We're sexy and we know it!

 

I pinky promise!

 



 Shaylyn & Scott

Johnson

Est. 10.11.12



 



.: Falling in love with myself :.

Sometimes when we are on a journey we experience pain. It comes in many different ways. Physical. Emotional. Psychological. And the worst part is that it will undoubtedly come at you from the middle of nowhere.

This past week I have been dealing with a few different kinds of pain. I have been trying so hard to eat right an exercise and I have been doing very well. I even lost 1 pound so far.. I know.. 1 pound seems like nothing to some of you but 1 pound gone is one step closer to my overall goal of being healthy. Unfortunately I have had a major setback with an injury from my Pilates class.. It caused severe pain from my hip to my foot and felt like a numb burning sensation (like when your foot falls asleep) all the way down my leg for about 2 1/2 days. I am still babying it but it IS getting better.

Somethings that I have learned from this is that I am not as tough as I think I am and that I have to take this journey at a slower, healthier rate. I can't push myself beyond my own physical limitations. I also learned that I set so many unrealistic expectations for myself. I am extremely hard on myself when I can't do something. Recently I was reading in a magazine about living with your whole heart. It really struck a chord with me. Have I been living with my WHOLE heart? and what does that even mean? A couple of quotes that have stuck out to me from that article are:

"no matter what gets done and what gets left undone, I AM ENOUGH!"

" I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am BRAVE and WORTHY of LOVE and BELONGING!"

One concept that I had never thought of before is SELF COMPASSION!

Self compassion basically means that you are as compassionate with yourself as you are with other people. You would never tell someone that they suck or that they are ugly or imperfect. You would never dare tell someone that they are a failure just because they couldn't do something. So why one earth is it OK to tell yourself that? It's not!!! I have decided that I am going to be more compassionate towards myself and strive to fall in love with myself again. There have been glimpses of true love of self before. Like when I was on my mission. I felt like I could do anything. Be anything. I felt good about who I was and what I was doing. I want to get back to that kind of confidence. I will get back there. So this journey is more of self discovery than anything else. Care to join me? Let's fall in love with ourselves and be proud of the women (and men) that we were created to be.

The beginning of a Journey

This year I am finally going to do it! I am going to lose the weight that I have been PROMISING myself that I would lose for the last.. oh.. i don't know FOREVER.

What lead to this determination to be healthier? Weighing myself for the first time in months and seeing a number that I am less that happy to see. It's truly depressing. So I decided that instead of curling up in a ball and crying my eyes out (like I really want to do).. I am going to DO SOMETHING about it!! I am in charge of my heath and my fate!

I have set certain goals that I am hoping will help me accomplish this:

* Track what I am putting into my body(food) and what I am putting out of my body (exercise). I have heard tons of people use weight watchers but honestly I don't want to pay for it.. I am using WebMD which is $FREE.99!! Yah Buddy!

* Stop focusing on that darn number on the scale and start focusing on how I feel. Am I feeling stronger? More energetic?

* I have set a goal to run (yes RUN!!!) a 5K in May! If you'd like to join me, I am doing the Race for the Cure on May 11th! And it's for a great cause which is even better!

* I am striving to give myself the positive affirmation that I need to feel that I am succeeding. If I can't give it to myself why should I expect someone else (i.e. my husband) to give it to me?

Speaking of the husband!! He has been such a HUGE support to me in this! He has told me over and over that he loves me no matter what and I know he does! He helps me get my lazy bumb out of bed in the morning and stay motivated to exercise at night after I have worked a long day.. and I'm exhausted. I am so grateful to have him and I consider him my SECRET WEAPON!!!

So one day I might get brave and post before pictures but for now I am going to leave you with a little motivation that I have found on pinterest!

 

 

Happy Healthy times!!

Love,

Shay J