Tuesday, November 5, 2013

.:Beautiful Heartbreak:.

Writing has always been a way for me to let out all of the emotions that can build up so tight in my heart. I have always felt this peace come when I am able to let my heart say what it needs to say and to be free to feel the way I feel without fear of judgment or without the fear of not being able to put words to the feelings I am experiencing. So today I am needing to let my heart do the talking and pray that this will continue to be a healing experience for me..

Many of you don't know that Scott and I were expecting a baby in July. We have both been praying about this decision for months and I have yearned to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I vividly remember the day we got married, I had the thought that we needed to start our family soon and since that day I have had that thought many times and have looked forward to the day that I would get the news that I was pregnant... it came on Monday October 21,2013. After having what I thought were normal period cramps, i woke up feeling like I may not be able to make it through the work day because they were pretty intense. I asked Scott to say a prayer for me that I would be able to work and make it through the day. As soon as he said amen the thought came to me. "take a pregnancy test." So I did and boy were we surprised! I just broke down crying because I was so happy! FINALLY it was my turn! 

Fast forward three weeks later to yesterday.. at work when I saw all that blood I knew we were losing this baby. My heart broke as the joys and potential of this little one slipped through my fingers. I begged Heavenly Father to just let us have this baby. Please let this baby live! As I was rushing home to be with Scott I was listening to church music trying to calm down and I had a voice say to me "you are going to lose this baby, but everything will be ok." For a moment I had peace in the hurricane force sorrow that had hit me just moments earlier... did it make it any easier that I was losing this baby? No.Did it take away the intense sorrow and sadness? No. But it did give me the knowledge that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that this is part of his plan. I don't know why I am experiencing this right now, but I do know that he is giving me a beautiful gift. His loving arms wrapped tightly around me and His peace in knowing that one day I will be a mommy. Just not today. 

I have had several moments where I feel so overwhelmed with love and concern from those of you that know and are praying for me.. I feel the prayers so strongly and I need them so desperately. So thank you. This is the hardest thing we have had to experience but I am so grateful to have such a loving husband that is so full of hope and faith in the future. I am so grateful for the gospel and the plan of salvation. I am so grateful for the Atonement that can make all things right. I am so grateful for the scriptures. I have had so many wonderful, sacred, experiences of reading and seeing God's tender mercies. I recently read this and it hit my heart “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” 3 Nephi 12:4. I am so blessed with comfort. It is through sorrow that we come to know joy and I look forward to the day that I will be able to hold my baby in my arms and finally be a  mommy.

I have always loved this song but today this is especially what I needed to hear.

1 comment:

KeriAnne said...

Goodness, I'm so sorry to hear that. I love your perspective and strength. You will be a wonderful mother one day.